Tag: #heartbreak

I would’ve never imagined that breaking free from love would hurt more than being trapped in it. Maybe I was captive for so long that I got used to the pain, but then again, pain is one of the few things scientifically impossible to “get  used to”. Neurologically, pain receptors keep warning you of potential harm for as long as it exists, and afterwards once the harm occurs they will keep sending signals until the tissue is fully healed. What about emotionally, spiritually, and mentally? Can I trust this would be the last straw and that after this I’ll start healing for good? I surely fucking hope so, because I’ve had enough of this shit! And not even the promise of the end being near makes it easier for me to endure it.

All I want is to be happy, to feel normal again. Fuck! Is that too much to ask? I really wish to be able to enjoy things again, like music, cooking, reading, a fucking sunset! Dude!

Having a break from it all felt good, but now I’m faced with reality once again and I don’t have a plan of action. It just feels shitty to be back, like all that pain was waiting for me right where it left off. Right here weighting on my chest, squeezing my throat, revolving my stomach. I’ve found writing quite useful when dealing with hate, anger, and disappointment, but I still don’t know what to do about sadness. What to do about fear, hopelessness, and despair? How to get away when all of their faces live in my mind night and day? How the fuck?!

And no, it’s not like pulling a band-aid! Insert a needle with thick fishing line through one of your toes, now keep getting the needle in and out of our body forming random shapes all the way up to your head, through your foot, leg, torso… go side to side, up and down, make a spiral, do sharp angles, get creative. Had your fun? Now pull the fucking cord! Does that hurt like a band-aid? I didn’t think so. The threading is how I felt before, the pulling is how I feel now.

Yeah, freedom mothafucking hurts! *mic drop

 

 

 

I once made a promise, five hundred days passed
My love had a deal breaker, that ship has crashed
I’ve realized that promise was made to myself
And I don’t know why but my words become spells

For too long I couldn’t stop feeling so blue
I’m suddenly free from the love I owed you
The sheer curtain fell, I can see through the fog
My love saw a prince and now I see a frog

My great one, an angel, pure soul, golden dragon
It all became clear when you fell off the wagon
I built a huge fantasy, such a great a scene
Now I see a man who lingers at fourteen

You had it so easy to fall out of love
Your flashbacks are fuzzy, you see what you want
You long ago stopped seeing the goddess in me
Blinded by my guilt neither I could see she

For years I was living a dream turned to nightmare
Now finally that burden has become lighter
The pain is unbearable, my heart’s still broken
But slowly I see that a window has opened

I’m gathering strength, I will leave you behind
You’re stuck in a fantasy you’ll never find
The cord has been broken, my love’s been set free
In twin flames and soul mates though, I’ll still believe.

 

 

 

 

My grandmother died today. It happened early today but I just found out, quite late at night. Last night and today were just too bizarre, spirits wouldn’t leave me alone and now I think I know why. For the past two weeks I’ve just been spiraling down. This morning I hit rock bottom. I feel so betrayed, and I can’t help but feel ashamed too. Ashamed for letting myself end up in here. Betrayed not only by you, but by myself.

There are pacts that go beyond social protocol, the pacts that your soul makes with the universe as its witness. Today, I finally proved my suspicions true, and my world fell apart. Yet again, here I am. Face to face with my biggest fears. Broken. Alone.

How could this happen? You were supposed to love me forever! The kind of love that transcends time, and space, and crises, and bullshit, and sickness, and fear, and change. The only thing I’ve ever believed in my entire life is love and now I don’t know what to believe in anymore. I’m lost.

What else is a lie? How much deeper could I dig and how much more shit would I find? How can you lie to my face without breaking a sweat? Oh, you don’t owe me shit? It’s none of my business? Well, tell that to the fucking universe! Tell it that we’re not one anymore, that you broke us!

 

I tried to be civilized,
I tried to be cool.
But my soul and my spirits
know something is wrong…

I feel hurt, and angry,
disgusted, and sick.
Why do I even tell you
if you feel what I feel?
You can close up your heart,
disconnect from your soul,
avoid all your feelings,
pretend that I’m wrong.
You can fake all the romance
there is in the world.
And pay for her dinner,
“Good morning, XO”.
You’re just recreating
our story of love.
How cute, right? Long distance.
Wait ’til it explodes.
Go on, keep on lying,
you know in your core
this bullshit will caught up
with you and your whore.
Don’t dare to deny it,
you’re anything but free.
We are one, we are one
and you’re so blind to see!