My grandmother died today. It happened early today but I just found out, quite late at night. Last night and today were just too bizarre, spirits wouldn’t leave me alone and now I think I know why. For the past two weeks I’ve just been spiraling down. This morning I hit rock bottom. I feel so betrayed, and I can’t help but feel ashamed too. Ashamed for letting myself end up in here. Betrayed not only by you, but by myself.

There are pacts that go beyond social protocol, the pacts that your soul makes with the universe as its witness. Today, I finally proved my suspicions true, and my world fell apart. Yet again, here I am. Face to face with my biggest fears. Broken. Alone.

How could this happen? You were supposed to love me forever! The kind of love that transcends time, and space, and crises, and bullshit, and sickness, and fear, and change. The only thing I’ve ever believed in my entire life is love and now I don’t know what to believe in anymore. I’m lost.

What else is a lie? How much deeper could I dig and how much more shit would I find? How can you lie to my face without breaking a sweat? Oh, you don’t owe me shit? It’s none of my business? Well, tell that to the fucking universe! Tell it that we’re not one anymore, that you broke us!

 

I tried to be civilized,
I tried to be cool.
But my soul and my spirits
know something is wrong…

I feel hurt, and angry,
disgusted, and sick.
Why do I even tell you
if you feel what I feel?
You can close up your heart,
disconnect from your soul,
avoid all your feelings,
pretend that I’m wrong.
You can fake all the romance
there is in the world.
And pay for her dinner,
“Good morning, XO”.
You’re just recreating
our story of love.
How cute, right? Long distance.
Wait ’til it explodes.
Go on, keep on lying,
you know in your core
this bullshit will caught up
with you and your whore.
Don’t dare to deny it,
you’re anything but free.
We are one, we are one
and you’re so blind to see!