Author: Someone

Everyone has stories, someone has to write them.

When creating a dating app profile, you really have to put a lot of thought into it. You should probably even read an article like, “These steps to make a dating app profile will get you pussy, guaranteed“. 

Maybe you already read it and followed it, but you still find yourself jerking off quite regularly. 

These are a few tips to make the most out of that profile:

– Make sure you let them know where you work, even though you hate it. A steady income always attracts the best bitches.

– Have a picture of you with a dog, who cares if it’s not yours? That shows that you are sensitive. Sensitive means pussy.

– You need a picture with no shirt. Guys are held up to such low standards when it comes to body image anyway. It’ll show them that at least you’re trying to get in shape. Extra points if you’re outdoors, it’ll make you look so adventurous. Yeah, girls in their twenties love that shit. Looking adventurous can get you some anal 68% of the time.

– A picture of you with some family members. Classic! A family oriented guy. Again, sensitivity. But don’t over do it, no one likes a mama’s boy or a clingy guy who will keep asking a girl out to get sushi after that one night stand when you fucked out of your league only because she was intoxicated.

-A picture of you on a red carpet is mandatory if you live in a film industry area. You can literally make up thousands of celebrity stories out of that shit. It’ll never get old! But, you know what does? Pussy! So set that age bar low. Barely legal low. 

– Put the cherry on top with some prefabricated phrase that could work both for making you look like you always want to better yourself, and as a subliminal message for “Open your legs and fly!”

Bonus: 

-Make sure you do a lot of swiping in areas where people already know you so they can do some screenshots, make fun of you, and maybe fuck you and exchange information about the size of your dick and how long does it take you to come. Extra special points if they’re somehow connected to your home town. That kind of information spreads like wildfire!

Not a lot of matches? Patience. Baby steps. It’s all about the process 😉

Good luck and…

HAPPY PUSSY HUNTING! *wink*

I wish I could escape from “me” like you can

If only that were an option we both could have

I could also take a break, have a fling or maybe two

Go here and there, be this and that, have worlds where there’s no you (“me”)

Then come back, share some love and run away when things get dark 

I wish she didn’t live inside of me all day and night 

If only you could be as loving and caring when she attacks

I really wish to redirect my focus, energy and love 

It’s not “one more of my dreams”, I’ve been trapped in this nightmare all along 

You’ve forgotten me, the real me 

My last reference is now gone

I only wish to wake up 

All I want is to start over 

I’m trying to move on 

Please let me go 

Please let me go 

When will I begin
To live again?
One day I’ll fly away
Leave all this to yesterday
What more could your love do for me?
When will love be through with me?
Why live life from dream to dream
And dread the day when dreaming ends?
– Joe Sample

It must be nice to be wanted times two
And here I was thinking you finally grew
Suddenly I don’t find you so appealing
That bit of clarity was so revealing

I don’t know what was I so scared to miss
I can see now that there is no abyss
You must think it’s harmless, playing with Cupid
Poor little girl, your new teacher, so stupid

For every picture you send me I think
This one I’m sure he also sent to that twink
I really try to let go and dismiss
I just can’t see myself getting past this

The whole thing smells rotten
I’m sick of your face
Good times are forgotten
You just fell from grace

I too have wings and they’re spreading away
And unlike you, my decisions do weigh
I’m not your spare bitch, on call, at your mercy
Call her instead when you’re choosing a jersey

Enjoy your February, enjoy your March
I’ll wait for April? Yeah, right. Sit and watch!
It must be nice to be wanted times two
Don’t get so used to it, I’m fucking through

I’ve been enjoying intermittent moments of clarity. My mind is clear for a while and I can see things for how they actually are. It hurts a little less to see reality: the end is the beginning, it’s the end.

 

*I can sing again.

 

 

I would’ve never imagined that breaking free from love would hurt more than being trapped in it. Maybe I was captive for so long that I got used to the pain, but then again, pain is one of the few things scientifically impossible to “get  used to”. Neurologically, pain receptors keep warning you of potential harm for as long as it exists, and afterwards once the harm occurs they will keep sending signals until the tissue is fully healed. What about emotionally, spiritually, and mentally? Can I trust this would be the last straw and that after this I’ll start healing for good? I surely fucking hope so, because I’ve had enough of this shit! And not even the promise of the end being near makes it easier for me to endure it.

All I want is to be happy, to feel normal again. Fuck! Is that too much to ask? I really wish to be able to enjoy things again, like music, cooking, reading, a fucking sunset! Dude!

Having a break from it all felt good, but now I’m faced with reality once again and I don’t have a plan of action. It just feels shitty to be back, like all that pain was waiting for me right where it left off. Right here weighting on my chest, squeezing my throat, revolving my stomach. I’ve found writing quite useful when dealing with hate, anger, and disappointment, but I still don’t know what to do about sadness. What to do about fear, hopelessness, and despair? How to get away when all of their faces live in my mind night and day? How the fuck?!

And no, it’s not like pulling a band-aid! Insert a needle with thick fishing line through one of your toes, now keep getting the needle in and out of our body forming random shapes all the way up to your head, through your foot, leg, torso… go side to side, up and down, make a spiral, do sharp angles, get creative. Had your fun? Now pull the fucking cord! Does that hurt like a band-aid? I didn’t think so. The threading is how I felt before, the pulling is how I feel now.

Yeah, freedom mothafucking hurts! *mic drop

 

 

 

I once made a promise, five hundred days passed
My love had a deal breaker, that ship has crashed
I’ve realized that promise was made to myself
And I don’t know why but my words become spells

For too long I couldn’t stop feeling so blue
I’m suddenly free from the love I owed you
The sheer curtain fell, I can see through the fog
My love saw a prince and now I see a frog

My great one, an angel, pure soul, golden dragon
It all became clear when you fell off the wagon
I built a huge fantasy, such a great a scene
Now I see a man who lingers at fourteen

You had it so easy to fall out of love
Your flashbacks are fuzzy, you see what you want
You long ago stopped seeing the goddess in me
Blinded by my guilt neither I could see she

For years I was living a dream turned to nightmare
Now finally that burden has become lighter
The pain is unbearable, my heart’s still broken
But slowly I see that a window has opened

I’m gathering strength, I will leave you behind
You’re stuck in a fantasy you’ll never find
The cord has been broken, my love’s been set free
In twin flames and soul mates though, I’ll still believe.

 

 

 

 

When you were born I had not turned eleven
Still it was one of those, “match made in heaven”
You were so cute and you looked just like mom
We were so crazy, yet you were so calm

Quickly becoming the new family’s doll
Dresses and bows if I still can recall
I’d videotape you while dancing to music
Hug you and kiss you until I made you sick

While growing up you would watch Nickelodeon
We shared a ton of chips with lime and sodium
The three of us liked to laugh ’til we peed
We were the ones who introduced you to “tweed”

One day you shaved half your brow in the shower
You were so gloomy that you cried for hours
Both of your sisters, we are crazy fuckers
I don’t know how you’d put up with us suckers

You were my first visitor back in college
I had a blast, more that you can acknowledge
One time you got sick and I was so worried
But thanks to Cher, the disease later scurried

You can do lots of things, draw, sew, and sing
We did a duet, that was everything!
You speak three languages, that’s so bad ass
My biggest talent is releasing gas

You never judge me when I’m silly dancing
You know you can count on me for some waxing
You’ll be an architect in a few days
We’ll have to celebrate and wear some leis

🙂

 

5:00 am. Wake up, bitch! You need to pee.
I know, I made you go twice before three.
Not so fast, fatty! The kitchen’s right there.
Feed me some cheese and a chocolate eau claire.
Well, that was good, now let’s go back to bed.
I have new nightmares, your family’s dead!
No! Fuck the sunrise, it’s just 6:00 am!
Ha! Meditation? BLAH BLOOH BING BAM BEM!
FUCK YOU, YOU SUCK, NO ONE LOVES YOU, YOU’RE FAT!
YOU’RE ALL ALONE AND I BLAME YOU FOR THAT!
Take me to Ballet, but only to watch.
Don’t make me split or I’ll rip off your crotch.
Just skip the shower, let’s binge-watch a show.
Fine! Did you like that? I just hit your toe!
See all that hair you lost? Yeah, that was me.
You’re not as pretty as you used to be.
Here, smell this bacon, you need it, come on!
What? Vegetarian? Why can’t you be fun?
Hey, you’re audition for Fox is today.
You never book any roles anyway.
You need to sing, play some music. Good choice!
Ha-ha! Just kidding, I fucked up your voice.
I’m fucking starving, more food on my plate!
Time to go teach, you don’t want to be late.
Listen to music while driving, just try.
Psych! You can’t do it, it will make you cry.
Oh, man! Not yoga! You bitch, don’t you dare!
I’ll make you fart so hard during the prayer!
Ooh! He’s so sexy, white t-shirt, tattoos.
Say something stupid and play with your boobs.
Let’s buy new clothes, boo. I know you got paid.
Call your ex-boyfriend, I need to get laid.
I’m having fun, we should stay here tonight.
Or just go crazy and pick up a fight.
I don’t like books, and I don’t want to sleep.
Fool, you’ll regret it when you’re counting sheep.
You look so peaceful, I wish you could see.
1:00 am. Wake up, bitch. You need to pee!

Remember my girlfriend?
I told you ’bout her.
I started the story,
here’s what happened next:
A monster appeared and
devoured my girl.
‘Twas living inside her,
attacked from within.
I was getting lonely
and trapped in a cage.
This was a new city,
I didn’t know shit.
When feeling so hopeless
I found new escapes,
like cyber relationships
and some fake friends.
It all started slowly,
new music, hard drugs.
Maybe next is salsa,
car races, parkour…
That’s when I developed
a parallel life
where I was “El Jefe”
and I had no wife.
There were now two monsters
sharing the same bed.
A shit bomb exploded,
hurtful things were said.
My girlfriend is gone now.
Time to be alone.
Don’t think for a second
this story is done.

Back home for a second we shared a neat life.
A nice, cute apartment, we were satisfied.
I was the provider, we ate fancy beans.
I wanted to move here, pursue bigger dreams.

Remember the struggle at first when we moved?
My parents then gave us enough for the two.
We shook in the cold just to not pay for gas;
I studied and studied, you busted your ass.

Oh, how things have changed now, you got a good job,
now you can afford to be quite comfortable.
Don’t take this the wrong way, I’m not passing bills,
you’ve worked and developed a new set of skills.

I still owe my parents, I’m struggling a bit,
I try to invest in my training and dreams.
I know, I’m a diva, I’m used to nice things.
Sometimes I don’t want to get dirt on my skin.

I hate feeling angry, and jealous, and mad.
Sometimes I just wish I could go back in time.
There’s things that you have that I think should be mine:
Us going to Italy, Thailand, Japan…

Invest in your “romance”, have fun, yeah, fuck it!
Those things end as quickly as I take a shit.
I know, you don’t know this, you never were bold,
and now in your crisis you want to be young.

I was young, I still am, I did all those things.
Some lovers inspired me to even be thin!
I still have faith in you, you need to believe:
It’s not her pushing you, she’s not your new me.

It’s all deep inside you, you are your own force.
You don’t need this bitch to go out, see the world!
For now I’ll just step back, I have my own plan.
Enjoy your new fancy beans while you still can.