I would’ve never imagined that breaking free from love would hurt more than being trapped in it. Maybe I was captive for so long that I got used to the pain, but then again, pain is one of the few things scientifically impossible to “get  used to”. Neurologically, pain receptors keep warning you of potential harm for as long as it exists, and afterwards once the harm occurs they will keep sending signals until the tissue is fully healed. What about emotionally, spiritually, and mentally? Can I trust this would be the last straw and that after this I’ll start healing for good? I surely fucking hope so, because I’ve had enough of this shit! And not even the promise of the end being near makes it easier for me to endure it.

All I want is to be happy, to feel normal again. Fuck! Is that too much to ask? I really wish to be able to enjoy things again, like music, cooking, reading, a fucking sunset! Dude!

Having a break from it all felt good, but now I’m faced with reality once again and I don’t have a plan of action. It just feels shitty to be back, like all that pain was waiting for me right where it left off. Right here weighting on my chest, squeezing my throat, revolving my stomach. I’ve found writing quite useful when dealing with hate, anger, and disappointment, but I still don’t know what to do about sadness. What to do about fear, hopelessness, and despair? How to get away when all of their faces live in my mind night and day? How the fuck?!

And no, it’s not like pulling a band-aid! Insert a needle with thick fishing line through one of your toes, now keep getting the needle in and out of our body forming random shapes all the way up to your head, through your foot, leg, torso… go side to side, up and down, make a spiral, do sharp angles, get creative. Had your fun? Now pull the fucking cord! Does that hurt like a band-aid? I didn’t think so. The threading is how I felt before, the pulling is how I feel now.

Yeah, freedom mothafucking hurts! *mic drop